today was okay.
i have a sinus infection
so i feel like crap.
but i went to the mall with mackenzie
and she bought a dress for graduation.
it was fun.
i finished the last vampire academy novel (don't judge).
it had a happy ending.
for most of the characters, at least.
now i am sitting here... feeling kind of lifeless.
slightly depressed. unable to cry.
i managed to let two tears out today.
while at the mall i was slapped in the face with some memories.
they were good ones.
but memories i simply don't want to remember,
at the moment.
i pushed my emotions aside
wiped the tears away
and moved on.
every night is the same.
when all the dust settles.
it's all the same.
i don't know what to do.
i hate myself.
i hate myself for feeling this way.
i wish i could completely suppress it all.
everything.
wipe my memory.
walk away.
but i can't.
yes, i can go about my daily life.
i can eat, breathe, laugh.
but there's a huge hole inside.
it's not a bleeding wound.
it's been cleaned.
but it's still there.
it's sore.
aching.
but nothing can fix it.
well, one thing
but it's something i can't have.
what are friends for?
i wish i didn't want to write about it.
it comes up so frequently in my thoughts.
i don't really talk to anyone about it
except for the facts...
i keep my emotions hidden.
i really wish i didn't care.
i really wish i didn't write about it.
but like i said,
when the dust settles...
what are friends for?
i'd like to shrivel into nothing, please.
thanks.
