it has been a couple days since my last entry.
i apologize.
i've been floating in the spaces of my mind.
not really doing anything in particular.
just thinking a lot.
mackenzie's graduation was two days ago
and it was a good ceremony.
i promised i wouldn't cry but once i went outside
and saw all my friends in their graduation gowns
i couldn't help but sob.
i was so proud of them.
it was bittersweet for me.
then i went to madison county with caitlin
(mackenzie's older sister, not kyle's caitlyn)
and hung out with her boyfriend and his friends out there.
this was a pretty important night simply because
there was alcohol and marijuana there
and cute boys.
what did i do?
watch a movie and go to sleep.
i didn't want to flirt with boys
or get drunk and forget everything.
i was so surprised by my own reaction...
and it's made me feel really weird today.
i'm proud of myself.
this means that i have changed.
i've moved on from that scene.
instead of drinking my sorrows away...
i went to my therapist.
this was one of those things
that kyle didn't like.
my party hardy attitude.
i always wanted to go out.
i always wanted to be with friends.
and it's not that i don't want to be around people.
i just don't want to be that girl anymore.
i don't want to always depend on a boy, a joint, and a bottle
to make myself feel better.
kyle did not like that about me.
i'm not sure if he quite understood.
and now... i've changed.
not even because of him.
(not conciously at least)
i'm just no longer interested.
the opportunity came and left...
and i don't regret missing it.
the same thing happened with tommy.
to kyle, i would jump into tommy's arms
and leave kyle behind without a thought.
the opportunity came...
and left.
and i don't regret missing it.
i don't want to party.
i don't want to flirt with boys.
i don't want that life anymore.
this is good.
very good.
what do i want to do?
things that are good for me.
college.
job.
things of that nature.
look out world.
i think the flower finally bloomed.
^_______^
